The very wedding vows that couples make to each other never rang truer for those who have been diagnosed with breast cancer.
As much as the patient has to endure the physical and psychological pain of treatment, the breast cancer journey is also about the caregiver. Often, the latter has to put his own life on hold to assume the demanding role of sole caregiver.
He plays full-time nurse, counsellor, driver, spouse – and sometimes, even dragon boat paddler.
It is a 24/7 job that carries the heft for being responsible for a loved one's treatment and overall well-being. And sometimes, the caregiver needs care, too.
Here, to mark Breast Cancer Awareness Month, two caregivers share their experiences on how they coped with their roles and how they stayed strong for their wives.
THE LOWS: SUPPORT LIGHTENS THE LOAD IN EVERY WAY
The maisonette that the Lows call home is painted a cheery yellow. The walls are adorned with large photo collages of the family. There are some showing two girls through their growing-up years. There are also photographs of a couple, their faces beaming.
“My wife did all this,” said Low Sie Chong, gesturing to the collages. The 54-year-old father has kept the home mostly unchanged since he lost his wife, Eunice Tan, in 2015 to breast cancer. She was 50.
Eunice was 42 when she was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer in 2007. The diagnosis came as a shock as the full-body checkup she had two years prior hadn’t picked up anything. Furthermore, Eunice had no family history of cancer.
“About one-and-a-half years before the diagnosis, she became prone to fever and getting sick,” recalled Sie Chong. “When I drove over road bumps, she would feel pain in her back.” He remembered his wife going to the general practitioner for her ailment and receiving painkillers.
When the pain became unbearable, Eunice went to the hospital where she had a biopsy. That was when they broke the news to her.
Eunice underwent two months of chemotherapy and when that didn’t help, the couple sought a second opinion and embarked on a new treatment, which did work.
To incorporate flexibility into his schedule, Sie Chong quit his job as the general manager of a small company and worked as a business consultant instead.
The couple made the decision not to involve their two daughters, then aged 11 and 7, in the process. Sie Chong was left to solely shoulder the burden of keeping the family going, working part-time and caring for his wife.
“I didn’t allow my daughters to be involved in the cancer journey. I thought they needed to have a normal childhood,” he said.
Eunice fought breast cancer for nearly eight years before succumbing. During the early stage of her chemotherapy, she was still “ok even though her hair had dropped”, said Sie Chong.
“It was only the last three-and-a-half years that she was bedridden. She was in a wheelchair. That really affected us,” he said. Eventually, Eunice spent her remaining days in the living room as she couldn’t climb the stairs to get to the bedroom.
The pressure to keep the family going became too much for Sie Chong. “This is the 16th storey. There were many times I wanted to jump down. Many times,” he shared. “I don’t know what made me not jump.”
“During that period, I had to travel to Myanmar’s small provinces for work. I remember flying in those small planes. Whenever there was air turbulence, I would hope for the plane to crash.”
THE TIPPING POINT
Sie Chong remembered there was a lot of anger in the beginning. “I blamed her; she blamed me; I blamed everything and everybody,” he said.
It was fortuitous that Eunice came to know about Breast Cancer Foundation (BCF) six months after her diagnosis. While the intention was to seek support for Eunice, it was there that Sie Chong found camaraderie in the company of other husbands of breast cancer survivors – including the late Jackie Ng, a founding member of BCF and the husband of a survivor.
“The first time I cried after learning about my wife’s diagnosis was in that room at BCF with Jackie,” said Sie Chong. It was also to him that Sie Chong confessed his suicidal thoughts. A round of scolding from Jackie and the constant support of his fellow BCF members were what pulled him out of that period of depression.
“He was the one who told me to accept the cancer,” said Sie Chong. “He said, you still have two daughters. You still have a wife. If you jump, your wife will die immediately. Who would look after your kids? You have to fight on. But don’t worry, there will be support.”
Having an "ecosystem" of support lightened his load, said Sie Chong. “The members don’t just provide answers to my questions, they also provide someone to be with me. Till today, I still get support from them.”
Gaining a different perspective on life also fortified Sie Chong’s resilience to depression during the caregiving period. “When we went to the park, we would stroll and enjoy the scenery,” he said. “We became more loving. We spent a lot of time together with each other and our family.”
The Lows also travelled more, taking short trips to countries like Malaysia and Hong Kong. “My attitude in the past was, why travel? But that has changed. When my older daughter wanted to go to Canada on a school programme, I told her to get there early, and explore and experience life.”
It has been three years since Eunice passed away. Sie Chong volunteers at BCF and shares his story with new caregivers. He is also an outspoken advocate in getting his male friends to ensure that their wives are on top of their health checks. “Men should be responsible and get their wives to go for checkups,” he said. “Don’t come and tell me you love your wife if you don’t take responsibility for her well-being.”
However, the widower finds it difficult to speak to his own daughters – who are now 21 and 17 years old – about breast cancer. “Until today, I still don’t have the courage to talk to them. I can talk to anybody at BCF, at work, friends, and tell them to get their wives to get checkups," he said. "But I still don’t have the courage to talk to my daughters."
From Eunice's legacy, Sie Chong continues to derive comfort and solace: BCF’s dragon boat team Paddlers In The Pink. He was her proxy paddler as her back pain prevented her from participating. And he still paddles today.
“I paddle because of my wife,” he said, his voice breaking. “I paddle knowing she would have paddled with me if she was (healthy and) still around.”
“I miss everything about her“
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